If you have teenage daughters ...
- Thread starter 89VERT
- Start date
spub
CIF
spub said:Actually, this has been in my files for the last five or six years. I do check most of the posts here, but ya can't read everything.
And on the same subject
Permission Slip
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral
lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________
If NO, please explain _________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ________________________________
If less than your age, explain ________________________________________
Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized tires?___________
A waterbed?_____________A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________
A condom?_______________Pornography?_______________Do you have an
earring,
nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________A tattoo?_____________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?__________________
Church you attend ______________________________________________________
How often you attend ___________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________ priest? _______________
mother? _____________ parole officer? _______
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
_____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
_____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
_____________________________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:
_____________________________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________
Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
How do you know?_____________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN
ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT
POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
___________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try
to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want
to watch your back).
Have a nice day.
spub
CIF
And one for those of you with boys 
Raising Boys - 25 key points to ponder
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,
to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already
too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do
not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.
How many things could we add to this? Aren't boys great?
Raising Boys - 25 key points to ponder
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,
to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already
too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do
not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.
How many things could we add to this? Aren't boys great?
Ken
Buckeye Marauder Member
I missed it the first time too! Glad that it was reposted. I've also got three daughters, 11, 12, and 14. Need to print it out and post it on the front door.spub said:Actually, this has been in my files for the last five or six years. I do check most of the posts here, but ya can't read everything
spub
CIF
And finally, two for those of you with toddlers 
Toddler’s Creed
If I want it, it’s mine
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
A Toddler's Creed
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest.
It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a carseat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.
I am toddler!
Toddler’s Creed
If I want it, it’s mine
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
A Toddler's Creed
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest.
It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a carseat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.
I am toddler!
T
twolow
Guest
Gre8one7 said:"24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid."
does this work? lol....for some odd reason i will try it
I wanna try it to. Is it harmful?? Do it outside? I need some 411 on this
BruteForce
Stooge Certified
twolow said:
Heck no! Do it in the front seat of your car. Be sure to setup the video camera first.
LiLWrink
Extreme Redneck!
I had my own place from the time I was 16, and worked very hard to keep the farm going and finish school at the same time. That was when my grandmother passed, and I was the only one in the family who wanted the farm...I am still here.
I didnt have time to chase women, or date some little "pampered floozy-whom daddy was convince was an angel."
I simply did not have the luxury, If I took time off, I did not eat...
I was discovered in the middle of harvest in 92...My wife found me. Our first cruise was in a combine cutting wheat, supper that night was homeade tamales with our fingers, and Coors beer iced in a water cooler. Our dates were simple and sincere, and country, If it had been any other way, i would not be here now.
She brought her mom and dad out to my place for our first introduction. We flipped steaks and he discovered my Hot Rods in the barn...we spent the next six hours discussing cars and racing.
They are great people, He says that he never had a doubt, after meeting me...of course I never went so far as trying to interprit that...
I very much enjoy the company of my inlaws, and I was always very open, and forward about my intentions.
I dont believe that many young men have the maturity to work for a claimstake, to educate themselves, to be determined to be successful, so there is something of value to show for themselves.
I was a little differant.
I didnt have time to chase women, or date some little "pampered floozy-whom daddy was convince was an angel."
I simply did not have the luxury, If I took time off, I did not eat...
I was discovered in the middle of harvest in 92...My wife found me. Our first cruise was in a combine cutting wheat, supper that night was homeade tamales with our fingers, and Coors beer iced in a water cooler. Our dates were simple and sincere, and country, If it had been any other way, i would not be here now.
She brought her mom and dad out to my place for our first introduction. We flipped steaks and he discovered my Hot Rods in the barn...we spent the next six hours discussing cars and racing.
They are great people, He says that he never had a doubt, after meeting me...of course I never went so far as trying to interprit that...
I very much enjoy the company of my inlaws, and I was always very open, and forward about my intentions.
I dont believe that many young men have the maturity to work for a claimstake, to educate themselves, to be determined to be successful, so there is something of value to show for themselves.
I was a little differant.