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In this, our first installment of our 'Suburban Scumbags" series, we present to you.... the wigger. That poor, often misunderstood soul, the result of cultural crossover. Hated by blacks for making a mockery of their culture, hated by whites for trying to be something that they can never be (black, basically), the wigger is a true American original. We have labeled the above drawing, and the numbers below explain the traits that will help you find your very own wigger on the streets of your town today! It's fun and easy.....
1: Hat. Must be worn backwards, as a symbol of anti-conformity. Under the hat- a 'mushroom' hairstyle, or shaved head altogether. Hat must bear a sports team or a marijuana leaf.
2: Practiced sneer. Try not to laugh in the wigger's face when he flashes you his look of anger, as he's spent many hours in the mirror getting his look of disdain 'just right'. The practiced sneer may reveal a gold-capped tooth or 2, but this is optional, as many parents dont have extended dental plans which will cover their kids cosmetic dentistry.
3: Tattoos. Usually a tribute to a fallen rapper, sometimes the motto or slogan of a rap group, sometimes a pot leaf. In general, poor artwork that will be hard to explain to the grandkids (Grandpa- what's 'Thug Life'??)
4:T-shirt bearing logo of clothing company that doesnt want the wigger wearing their clothes. Like FUBU- an acronym meaning 'For Us, By Us', a black-owned company commiting blatant racism by implying that the clothes they sell are for blacks only. This fact is lost on the wigger, however, as he continues to patronize this company, much to the dismay of his (rapidly depleting) dignity.
5: Gang sign of gang he's not in. Since he lives miles away from the first hint of urban blight, he can afford to throw up sets he doesnt belong to, scaring the elderly into thinking he's some kind of gangster, without fear of being killed by a real gang member for the crime of 'false-flaggin' (claiming you're down with a particular gang when you're not).
6: Gun. Usually a Crossman BB gun, just realistic enough to get wigger chicks to swoon over their fearless romeo.
7: Underwear sticking out a minimum of 6 inches above waistband. Some say it's laziness, but to a wigger, it's all about fashion. Not only do you get to show off otherwise-private underwear labels to the world, you get the added thrill of ventilation on your asscrack.
8: Jeans. Expensive. The wigger must wear pants that are a minimum of 40 full sizes over his original size. The legs should be large enough to hold the population of a 3rd world country in, and should drag across the floor freely, like the train on a wedding gown.
9: Sneakers. Dont tell the wigger that his 250 dollar sneakers are made of the same material as Kmart's 25 dollar ones- it's all about fashion, yet again, and to wear anything less than the hottest sneaker out at the moment would be akin to showing up at a black panther meeting wearing a klan hood. In case you were wondering, the wigger has no remorse over the fact that his sneakers were made in a sweatshop by an underage peon laborer who made 2 cents that entire day making the shoes that help the wigger fit in with his materialistic social circle.
10: The city. This is the wigger's preferred habitat. Ignore the fact that they mostly dwell in the suburbs, any decent, upstanding wigger will, AT MINIMUM, have a cardboard cutout of a city skyline in his suburan backyard to stand in front of while posing as a hardened tough guy.
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</TD><!-- Col 1 --><TD vAlign=top>The "Mimic"
